It didn't take long for someone to follow the ridiculous Bob Stoops to Notre Dame rumors with an Urban Meyer to Notre Dame column. If you're a local sports columnist, you can't let anyone steal your crazy. While Notre Dame has the Pope on speed dial, powerhouses like Florida and Oklahoma have more money than il Papa. Whatever cash the Irish think they have, Oklahoma or Florida can throw buckets of money and crystal balls. Besides, who'd want to coach at a school that hasn't won BCS bowl game since 1992?

Rejections from Stoops, Meyer or any other successful coach shouldn't stop Notre Dame from going after big time coaches. Who wouldn't love to coach at a school that uses decaying Catholic schools as their recruiting base? Let's go through some coaches Notre Dame should hire.

Bill Belichick: Who better to clean up Charlie Weis' mess than his old coach? Did you see the Patriots-Colts game? The NFL has passed Belichick by! Come down to South Bend, Bill! Besides, which is more significant; coaching at New England or Notre Dame? It's Notre Dame.

Billy Donovan: He's Catholic and has shown a willingness to look at other jobs. If he was a football coach, he'd fulfill all three requirements to be the Irish head coach.

Barack Obama: Politico is reporting that President Obama expressed interest in the Notre Dame job when he visited the school in May. However, after Tyrone Willingham, the Irish are not interested in any black guys. (Sorry, Tony Dungy and Charlie Strong.)

Ara Parseghian: Yes, he's still alive! Hey, if Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno can do it, why not 86 year old Ara? Imagine the knowledge Ara has picked up in his 30-plus years of retirement. That's a huge schematic advantage!

Rush Propst: All the cool kids know the coach from Two-A-Days on MTV. If Notre Dame wants to get some athletes from Down South, this is who they go for. Sure, Propst was accused of being abusive and having affairs. But Catholics are used to dealing with those issues.

Mark Richt: The SEC's finest gentleman would fit in perfectly at Notre Dame. Besides, who would want to coach in the SEC? Does Bob Costas narrate SEC game intros? NO. BOB COSTAS NARRATES NOTRE DAME INTROS. YOU WILL BOW AT OUR AWESOME INTROS ON NBC.

Knute Rockne: Notre Dame has been doing stem cell research just for opportunities like this. Yeah, Rockne looks a little rough after that plane crash, but Zombie Rockne is better and cheaper than most coaches.

The Biscuit: I don't know the guy's real name, but read this. Between the cursing, defense of Weis and ALL CAPS ANGER, he just screams NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL COACH. SERIOUSLY NDNATION, this is THE ideal coach for the Irish TO HIRE.

Clearly, there are dozens of guys who would love to coach the Irish to another 8-5 season with a soft offensive line and three elite players. And any coach who turns down Notre Dame is stupid because Notre Dame is the most important college football program in America. And don't you ever forget that.