FanPost

All of This is Tearing Us Apart: Postseason Muzak


It's over, at last. The worst season of Gator football, by record, in over thirty years. I think others were more miserable in feeling (2004, 2010 for instance) but records don't lie, normally.

We all know the story of this year, so the question is: where do we go from here? Was this a mere speedbump on the road back to glory, or something deeper? The sunshine pumpers will tell you that everything is in line for a monster recruiting class, and another year in the system will produce exponentially more competent players next season for the Gators. Chicken littles will tell you (more accurately, remind you) that at numerous points this season, the players and coaching staff displayed a collective incompetence that speaks to something much more sinister and worrisome than mere inexperience.

Who is right? I don't know. Probably a little of both. This isn't a 6-6 program, even with all of the problems, but this isn't going to be fixed overnight either. With this in mind and the external issues, I give you...

What: "All of This" by New Zealand band The Naked and Famous.

Why: Because, in the words of our now doubly-fired former coach, there's a lot of noise in the system right now. Listing all of the problems is almost staggering, really. I'll spare you the pain of reading them yet again (under 60 scholarship players!). It's all there and it's tearing us apart.

The Point:

All of this is tearing us apart
I don't know where us or this start
All of this is tearing us apart
I don't know where us or this start

I can't even begin to address how serious of a problem our scholarship situation is. It's massive and it's going to hurt us for years (note the plural form of that word). The basic rundown: currently the team sucks because it's severely lacking in both depth and upperclassmen. Desperate to fill the colossal holes in the depth chart, the coaches are going to sign a huge class this year. Very few of them will make a major impact in 2012 (hence next year's inevitable problems). Even in the long term this is damaging, because massive classes are almost always bad ideas. They create logjams for the classes immediately following, and they allow players to get lost in the shuffle (and subsequently transfer, furthering the depth issues). Unfortunately our scholarship situation is so severe, we basically have no choice but to sign a class bursting at the seams.

As the plans turn into compromise
The promises all turn to lies
The spite builds up and I can't get through
Passive me, aggressive you

To say that our plans for this season turned into compromises would be an understatement. "The plans turn into smoking wrecks of despair, doom and misery" would be more apt. I suddenly feel sorry for Tennessee fans for some reason.

Promises turning into lies? Oh, I don't know who I could possibly be thinking about now.

I know I nag. I moan, I know
But with a plan like this it's way too slow
In the time it took to get this bad
I could have made it work but all I had was
The hope that pieces would take shape
And we could watch them all fall into place

I know we're spoiled, nagging brats, Muschamp. I know it's so much harder to do your job than it looks. Don't blame us. We're infantile and impatient and brash and obnoxious. It's sort of our defining feature, really. We just weren't ready to be this bad this fast, nor were we ready for such a deep rebuilding job. We just wanted to move a couple pieces around and watch them all fall into place. Can you blame us?

-------

To Will Muschamp


What: "Help Yourself" by Sad Brad Smith.

Why: Because despite all that message board nonsense, Gator Nation still wants to you to be the answer, Will. I think there are a number of things you could do personally that would help your cause. First, stop with the paranoia. Is whatever minor benefit you get from banning fans and media from practice worth the ill will it inspires in both shunned groups? Second, don't be so damn prickly all the time. Yes, losing sucks, but it distresses me more to see the head coach flustered at a press conference. There will be losses. Learn to handle them without devolving into a Killbot 2000 and people won't get so angry along with you. Lastly, smack Weis when he starts doing stupid things. I'm probably the last person clinging on to the Weis bandwagon, but even I will willingly admit he made a number of huge errors this year. You're the head coach. He has to listen to you.

The Point:

I know you'll help us when
You're feeling better and we realize
That it might not be for a long, long time

But we're willing to wait on you
We believe in everything that you can do
If you could only lay down your mind

I want you to try to help yourself

Of course, "a long, long time" in Gainesville is about a year, but it's all relative, right? Ultimately you're going to have to win, but until that happens (and I still believe it will) you could help yourself a great deal by making some fairly minor changes.


-------

The Offense, 2011


What: "To The Dregs" by Wavves, a surf-punk band of garage rock vintage.

Why: BECAUSE THE OFFENSE WAS GREAT THIS YEAR. WHAT DO YOU MEAN "HORROR SHOW?" NANANANANANANA I CANT HEAR YOU NANANANANANANA I'M JUST RETRO ROCKING AND DRINKING AT THE BEACH NANANANANANANANA WHEEEEEEEE

The Point:

You see me I don't care
You see me I don't care
You see me I don't care
You see me I don't care
You see me I don't care
You see me I don't care
You see me I don't care
You see me I don't care

LA LA LA LA SUNSHINE AND PUPPIES AND HAPPINESS. LA LA LA LA

-------

The Defense, 2011


What: "A Real Hero" by College feat. Electric Youth.

Why: Because this defense is the only thing between Florida an actual disaster of a season. I'm talking about three or four wins, maximum. It'll be lost in the carnage of this season, but this was a heroic effort. Considering the lack of seniors and depth, the new system and the youth all over the place, they were fantastic. As far as I can tell, they're generally younger than the 2007 unit which was torched regularly, but went on to become the rolling death machine we all knew and loved in 2008 and 2009. I know that past success is no indicator of future results, but you'll have to forgive me if I go a little overboard on the hype. This defense is the life raft in a sea of failure and incompetence. I'm going to cling to it until it sinks.

The Point:

Back against the wall and odds
With the strength of a will and a cause
Your pursuits are called outstanding
You're emotionally complex
Against the grain left to stop at claims
Not the thoughts your actions entertain
And you have proved to be

A real human being
And a real hero
Real human being
And a real hero
Real human being
And a real hero
Real human being
And a real hero
Real human being


[Paul Rhoads] I. AM. SO. PROUD. [/Paul Rhoads]


-------
To Urban Meyer


What: "Shove It" by Santogold.

Why: Because I can forgive the lying. I can forgive taking another job this soon. I can forgive a lot of stuff. What I'm not going to forget is trying to take our recruiting coordinator two months before signing day. You're not just taking another job now, Urban, you're actively trying to screw us. Not to mention that it looks like you're starting your recruiting push by going down Muschamp's list. So take your "hard work" and shove it. We think you're a joke.

The Point:

We think you're a joke
Shove your hope where it don't shine
We think you're a joke
Shove your hope where it don't shine

Enjoy Columbus, Urbie. Best of luck to ya.


-------

How to Spend the Offseason, Part One


What: The Electric Daisy Carnival in Vegas next (and every) summer. The song is "Seek Bromance" by Tim Berg.

Why: Sure, summer is a long way away, but dammit I want it now. Some people watch basketball. Some watch soccer (like...uhh...me). Some do weird stuff like work or read books or something. Others fantasize about music festivals they'll probably be too poor to afford attending anyway. Living the dream, guys.

The Point:

I think the video explains it all, right? If ingesting substances of various legalities and rolling (ahem) into a literal horde of gorgeous women, for the unique pleasure of having some European ninnies blow your eardrums with aural sex and blind you with otherworldly light shows in the middle of the night in Vegas doesn't sound fun, you clearly don't roll with the Troll.

So, how do you all plan to pass the long, dark voyage to next Fall? It's an arduous journey to September. Remember to pack extra socks.

(Yes, I know there's still the bowl game. Forgive me if I'm less than thrilled to watch UF fall to 6-7 against Clemson or tOSU).

Please be kind and use good grammar.

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