With this sad denouement of a nightmare season in mind, let's try to liven the place up, shall we? We'll start with a song with a beat so infectious, you might be dead if you're not feeling it.
I find there's nothing quite as anti-climactic as bowl season. Unless your team is in the National Championship game, or a BCS bowl with a decent opponent, the bowl game is as uninteresting as it is irrelevant. This year we've got the mortifying specter of the "Urban Bowl" adding some drama, but I'm so tired of that story line I'm already dreading the announcers. The revenge factor from the 2006 Championship game is also overblown. If any OSU fan claims a win over this pathetic Florida team as some sort of redemption for 2006, they should seek psychological help immediately. That was the title game, this is a powderpuff waste of time.
What: Broke One's remix of "If We Try" by Reset!
Why: If the section beginning at 1:54 doesn't inspire at least moderate head bopping, then you might want to skip these particular musical arrangements. It won't get any better than that.
The Point: Because 6-6 and Weis and Shula and transfers and de-commits and Meyer and TaxSlayer and OH GOD I JUST WANT TO DANCE! [jazz hands]
What: Swedish House Mafia live at Madison Square Garden (!!!) playing Ivan Gough & Feenixpawl's (featuring Georgi Kay) "In My Mind."
Why: First, can we note how insane it is that Swedish House Mafia not only played, but sold out Madison Square Garden? Between this and Avicii all over the radio, I suddenly feel very mainstream. I don't know how to feel about this. Yes, I am a hipster.
More to the point, this is a fantastic example of the almost stadium-rock qualities House music can bring. In my mind, this is the type of electronic music stadium PAs blast, instead of putting Zombie Nation on an endless loop. Of all the things, American sports people, Kraftwerk?
In my mind, in my head
This is where we all came from
Dreams we had, the love we shared
This is what we're waiting for
The truth is the lyrics are never really what this music is about, but this sort of fits, right? I mean it's clear we're all waiting for something. I'm honestly not sure what it is at this point. An OC? Any sort of offensive competence? I'd settle for a QB performance that doesn't include throwing into triple and quadruple coverage, personally.
What: "Jian Sword Dancing," featuring the song "Rebound" by Arty and Matt Zo.
Why: I'm not going to lie to you, Gator Nation. I think this is a work of genius. Everything about this is pitch perfect. From the clothes, to grandma's sunglasses, to the painting on the door, to the dog. This is art, and like all great art, it can applied to virtually anything.
The grandma is Meyer, sitting back and watching his former school and current school in some battle of inept swordplay.
Or, the grandma is us, and the dancers are Muschamp and Foley. They're putting their safety and dignity on the line to please us, but we can do nothing but sit with our beers and sulk.
Brilliance this profound is rare and fleeting. Enjoy this before someone makes it into a commercial.
The moment, right around the 1:00 mark, when the dog gets a close shave. Florida almost going bowl-less? Choose your own metaphor, Gator fan!
What: "One" by Swedish House Mafia featuring Pharrell.
Why: Back to the SHM grind we go, and I feel mildly dirty for doing it. In my defense, the first one wasn't really their song.
This track has basically one lyric, "I wanna know your name." Hey, Florida's next Offensive Coordinator, I WANT TO KNOW YOUR NAME.
I respect Muschamp's decision to wait and make sure we're getting the best possible hire, but this is agony. Going through three consecutive years of various types of offensive ineptitude, and then making us wait weeks and weeks for the next new guy is cruel, Muschamp. The worst part is that after all this speculation and guesswork, it's probably just going to be some no-name NFL hack who comes in and ruins the offense some more. It's difficult to put into words just how much I hate the NFL. I'll have to do a death metal post for those &!#^@&#$.
Despite the almost inevitable letdown of this hire, it just needs to be over. I want to know your name, if for no other reason than to begin coming up with creative perversions of said name to scream in anger next season.
I'm going to stretch the bounds of "dance" music here, but honestly with enough of one substance or another (be it alcohol, adrenaline, or otherwise) you can dance to dubstep. Except this isn't really dubstep. Actually I don't what you would classify it as. Brostep, perhaps, which would be appropriate for our opponent. Ohio is the bro-iest of the states, surely.
What: "I Know the Truth" by Pretty Lights. The video is taken from the Pretty Lights set at Bonnaroo this past June.
Why: Because a repeated refrain of "have mercy on me" should strike a chord with Gator fans. The answer, "NO MERCY!" should also be familiar.
It used to be we were the ones showing a lack of empathy for our opponents (right, Randy Shannon?), but now we're seeing what the other end of this situation feels like. Perhaps a decent man would see this as a learning opportunity. Live for a while on the side of the downtrodden, so that we you return to the role of the oppressor, you temper your destruction of the meager and the overmatched. I am not a decent man, however. These down times just fuel my desire for a scorched-earth SEC ever more.
As a side note to that, I've noticed a number of B1G fans using General Sherman as their avatar, presumably for his South-beating antics. I'm confused by this, because Sherman is primarily known for burning Georgia, and anyone who torches that festering sore of a state is surely a hero for all regions. I can't wait for the 2012 Cocktail Party. Enough of this bowl game crap.