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Charlie Weis: Head Coach, Florida Gators

I have experience in looking into an alternative future. Once again, I put on my Tampa Tarpons baseball shirt and look at what might have been. Today's scene is the coach's weekly press conference.

Charlie Weis: sitting down, adjusting his stomach Good afternoon. I'll take your questions in a minute. Just wanted to say the team is excited for the challenge Florida Atlantic will give us. I'm still disappointed in our players' performance at South Carolina. Again, Robert Marve will start and hopefully we'll get John Brantley some snaps as well.

SID: Coach Weis will take your questions. After you ask your question, please pass the microphone. Pat?

Pat Dooley, Gainesville Sun: Charlie, this team must win out now to even finish at .500. Did you think this season would turn out so poorly?

Weis: No, because I thought our players would be much better. I have this system and if the players can't be successful in it, that is something they have to address.

Dooley: not into microphone So the blame for this season falls-

SID: interrupting Pat, you've already passed the mic. Next question from someone else?

Brian Steele, Independent Florida Alligator: Coach, after seeing what Tim Tebow did to you last year, and watching him lead Alabama to an undefeated record, do you regret not recruiting him to UF?

Weis: First of all, you're a kid and you should not be asking questions. Secondly, we did not want Tebow because he is a system quarterback. I only recruit guys who can stand in the pocket and have nice hair. Do you know why? Because I created Tom Brady. You see this Super Bowl ring I wear and I always touch my face with so people see it? I have two more of these because I created Tom Brady. Besides, Chris Leak last year took us to the Citrus Bowl. He was very good last season.

Andy Staples, Tampa Tribune: I spoke with Danny Wuerffel a few days ago and he said he was disappointed with the direction of the team. He also said that you have not treated former Gators respectfully.

Weis: So? What's the question?

Staples: Well, what do you have to say to that?

Weis: Look, I don't really pay attention to other people. I get in here at 6am and immediately start watching Patriots game tape to see what plays I should run. My secretary brings in food at 7am, 10am, noon, 3pm, and a quick steak at 4pm before practice. Then at practice I see the sun and the players for the first time. After that, I go home, eat a baby cow, and watch more Patriots game tape in my five million dollar home theatre. Does Danny Wuerffel have a five million dollar home theater?

Staples: annoyed No, but-

Weis: That's what I thought. And how many Super Bowl rings does he have? Three? No, zero. You know, I really have four Super Bowl rings because I was Bill Parcells' assistant with the Giants in 1990. So I have four Super Bowl rings and more money than any of you people. Maybe Wuerffel should worry more about his construction business.

Steve Russell, AM850 WRUF: Wuerffel doesn't have a construction business, he runs a Christian school in Louisiana. He's trying to rebuild New Orleans, you son of a-

SID: Sorry, Steve, you didn't have the microphone. Um, Hank, you have a question, right?

Hank Astengo, WCJB-TV20: Um, no. The kid from WUFT had his hand up.

SID: No, I'm pretty sure it was you. Why don't you ask Coach Weis how excited he is about the possibility of the Gators winning two home games in a row?

Weis: Well, Hank, that's a great question and I'm glad you brought it up. I think the six point victory over Vandy in the fourth overtime showed I could win an SEC game at home this season. So I'm sure I can beat Florida Atlantic. I'm really excited for Robert and I think he's shaken off the two concussions he's had in the past four games. But to be sure, I'll have John around now that he has recovered from Glenn Dorsey breaking his sternum in October.

SID: Ok guys, thanks for coming today. The lunch buffet will be open once Coach Weis is finished.

Weis picks up his stomach and leaves the room.

NOTE: I could have photoshopped a picture of Weis in a Gator outfit, but I was afraid I might give someone a heart attack. Besides, this picture is funnier.