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Slow News Day: The Top Stories

The slow news day is the enemy of all editors and reporters. In news, the slow day can strike at any point. At least in sports, you know the day after the All Star Game is the only day on the calendar where none of the four major sports are in action. Editors prepare with evergreen pieces about the lefty specialist's blind grandfather who taught him a sinker and stories about little kids who dominate at your local go-kart track. But evergreen stories suck. Here's the stories I want to see today.

- Miami QB Robert Marve injures his throwing shoulder while breaking up fights between Cuban Democrats and Cuban Republicans in Little Havana.

- Jonathan Papelbon becomes humble. (I was happy that Evan Longoria tied the game last night, but I was also kind of bummed it saved Papelbon from being the losing pitcher. When was the last time you heard a player booed so loudly at the All Star Game than when Papelbon left, losing 3-2?)

- USF academically qualifies three former Alabama recruits after summer school grades are accepted.

- FSU academically qualifies three players after their transcripts from "Jimbob's Interwebs Academy" are accepted.

- To make it more fair for her younger competitors, 41-year old Dara Torres will swim at the Olympics with her 2-year old daughter on her back.

- Ryan Hanson is able to drink two Long Island Ice Teas at Chili's. He is drunk after the third one.

- Los Angeles police engage in a high speed chase with a MMA fighter. (Wait, this actually happened.)

- Tim Tebow declines Sen. John McCain's invitation to be in the vice presidential vetting process, citing sensitivities toward his more liberal fans. Florida Gov. Charlie Crist interrupts his super important economic mission to Europe to call McCain and asks why he hasn't been picked yet.

And finally...

- Due to state budget cuts, Florida State University and Tallahassee Community College merge to create Florida State Community College at Tallahassee. It will be the worst college in the Western Hemisphere, slightly worse than the Hugo Chavez College of Politics in Venezuela.