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Florida Needs Evil Tim Tebow


 You wouldn't like Evil Tim Tebow. Evil Tim Tebow doesn't like you either. He doesn't care if you write a blog or what plays your frat runs in flag football. Evil Tim Tebow takes dumps that can write a blog. You know when Good Tim Tebow goes to prisons to talk about Jesus? Evil Tim Tebow is inside beating up child abusers; the only good thing he does all year (Evil Tim Tebow is an Old Testament kind of guy). When Good Tim Tebow is running around with orphans in the Phillipines, Evil Tim Tebow is in Crystal River, killing manatees. You don't want to know Evil Tim Tebow and Evil Tim Tebow doesn't want to know you. In fact, Evil Tim Tebow is usually left alone with a bottle of Bushmills 21 and a phone. There are four people with that phone number; Urban Meyer, Chuck Norris, Bob Tebow and a hot blond (Evil Tim Tebow laughs at Good Tim Tebow for being a virgin).

2009 has been a difficult year for Evil Tebow. He's not in practice yelling at coaches or players for slacking off. That was his favorite thing; yelling at David Nelson for rounding off routes and Riley Cooper for not blocking. (Why do you think Cooper is such a good blocker now?) Evil Tebow has been replaced by Senior Tim Tebow, who is consumed with leaving a legacy, not killing people. Oh sure, Evil Tebow has made a few appearances. He played the final drive against Arkansas and is used in short yardage situations. But he needs to play more and not just because his whiskey is running out either. Evil Tebow was the guy who joined the team after Ole Miss in 2008, personally destroyed FSU in 2008 and 2007, and played the second halves of the Alabama and Oklahoma games (he's at the beginning of this video too). Evil Tebow hates it when Good Tim Tebow makes promises, but at least that means more touches for Evil Tebow. He doesn't need another corny promise from Good Tebow, but Goddamnit, Evil Tebow needs to get in the game.

You will know if Evil Tebow is in Jacksonville. His pace is a little slower; the walk of a thoroughbred before he enters the starting gate. He won't smile and he won't wear one of those awful three piece suits and the women's eyeglasses. Evil Tebow knows how to dress and has 20/20 vision. Evil Tebow will look like the executioner heading to the gallows. Hate is Evil Tebow's weapon and he will use it. If Evil Tebow shows up, Georgia has no chance. If Evil Tebow finishes the season as the starter, the country won't have a chance either.