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On That Florida Gators Rap Video, Or: Pretty Much Everything Is Terrible

I feel as if I have somehow shirked a journalistic duty by not writing about the Pearly Whites' "Gator Bait (2011 Chompionship Remix)," first FanPosted here late Thursday night and turned into a mini-sensation on Twitter today thanks to Kegs 'N Eggs picking it up.

So I guess this is me rectifying that.

First: Pearly Whites are nothing new for Florida fans. This is actually the fourth version of "Gator Bait," joining the original, the Ohio State remix, and the 2008 remix. Some of you know this, but in another life on the Internet, I write about rap and hip-hop. I know about this sort of thing. And I'm being charitable when I say that none of these songs have really hit the spot for me: they're mostly sloppy rhyming wrapped around production that substitutes loud for proficient, and they're not too far removed from things like Notre Dame's atrocious Freakbass song — which, I'll remind, was commissioned and used by Notre Dame, unlike almost every other crime against eardrums in this category.

That's a lot of substandard rapping about Florida. But, hey, surprise: Substandard rapping about your college football team of choice probably exists, too! Here's Florida State fan Mike Bane's "We the Seminoles":

Despite Bane's estimated 5'8" frame, apparent interest in turning Tallahassee's 850 area code into something cool, and the "Y'all remember the '90s?" nostalgia trip, this is not as bad as I would have liked. (The double-time part of the second verse is pretty good, in truth.) But I'd say it doesn't hold a candle to some of the good rap about the Gators.

Forgive the quality of the video: Unsigned Hype's "Gator Bait" (sampling/riffing on Hurricane Chris' "A Bay Bay") is from 2007, I think, and has some, gasp, cuss words, but it sounds a lot better to these ears than anything mentioned above.

And then there's the genuinely excellent "Gator Nation Anthem," which I think should be called "This One Is For Florida" or "(All You Are Is) Gator Bait," but still. I first heard "Anthem," released last year by Pelé Maree, at a lacrosse match this spring; it has a massive hook, a better-than-average instrumental, and a surprisingly good second verse.

Kings and queens of the SEC, we got the recipe
You be all you can be and still you'll find we can't be beat
Sanctified, we intervene on any battleground we see
From the field to the court when I'm here to report, we hold it down on every scene
Any sport, any team, we win awards, we are machines
We're a force, we are Marines, wide awake or in your dreams
Gator Bait, they are small fries, chips, taters

The musical quality is virtually never what's really being panned when the new hot YouTube mess is zinging around the blogosphere; it's all about the embarrassing video, of course, and Pearly Whites did themselves and the Florida fan base no favors by freaking juggling in their video, which kind of flies in the face of the slick production values and "cool" presentation. You earned these chuckles,so guys.

But you know what? You will never, ever, ever have the worst sports rap video, Pearly Whites, because the Lady Lake Boyz made "Tim Tebow Song":

I think The Sporting Blog (RIP, former Internet place of employment!) has all the opinion on this abomination that you might need:

Spencer Hall: Now, test subject, please note the things you find particularly repellent about it.

Chris Mottram: The beaded chin beard thing. The timeout dance -- or is that a 'T'?

Spencer Hall: T for Tebow!

Chris Mottram: T for This f------ sucks. Wait, is that guy in the background just there to dance?

Spencer Hall: Yes. Either that, or he's supposed to look ridiculously sexy. Which he is.

Chris Mottram: Okay, I'm stopping it. I can't go on. I'm feeling like I'm going to puke.

Yeah, compared to this, today's shame is nothing.