Florida State rap songs and videos are the worst. Florida State Rap Is The Worst will do the hard work of categorizing them and castigating everyone responsible.
Bane's probably the most popular Florida State rapper, which is a distinction akin to being the best Nickelback song, I guess. He's dropped the Mike Bane he was using when he released "We the Seminoles" last year, perhaps because he thinks people will click on songs by Bane thinking they are by The Dark Knight Rises's Bane, and he dropped "Still Choppin" on Tuesday.
And, yep, it's the worst. After the jump, the 36 worst things about it!
These items are roughly in chronological order.
1. The Seminole War Chant, itself kind of racist, being used as the spine of a beat by a white rapper? That's a bit problematic.
2. "In spite of bein' underrated": Yeah, no, being underrated hasn't been the problem for FSU for about 25 years.
3. "The entire stadium is still rockin'": About that.
4. "Wit' the Seminole legacy that's ahead of competitors": Granted, Florida State was really good at football from about 1987 'til about 2000, but Florida's won more national championships in the last 16 seasons of college football than Florida State has, period, and Miami has more than both Florida and Florida State, so unless Bane's "competitors" here are, like, Wake Forest and Virginia, maybe this isn't so factual.
5. "Everybody knows losin' ain't an option": Oh, is that why Florida State's averaged five losses over the last seven seasons? (By the way, Florida State's official record since 2007 is 36-30, thanks to wins vacated for cheating on an online music test. Fun fact!)
6. "We got respect for the past": Ummm, so, uh, the Seminole War Chant keeps getting used? You keep cloaking yourselves in the garb of a people that got rudely evicted from their homeland?
7. In case you were keeping track, half of one of the three bars in the hook that isn't "Still choppin'!" or "Go Seminoles!" is not objectionable in some way.
8. "Now they callin' me the Florida State rapper / Yeah, that's accurate": "People are saying a thing about me and it is true!"
9. "DJ C mastered the track, then I massacred it": Yo, uh, you might want to ease up on the use of words like "massacred" in close proximity to "Seminoles."
10. "Granted, there were a handful of people that were mad about the grammar": Both the dorkiest "U MAD" of recent vintage ... and a grammatically incorrect statement, because it'd be "there was a handful of people," but I'm less mad about the grammar than this existing.
11. "At least five universities cursin' me, personally murkin' me / But not a single person from any university / In the universe or the Earth had the nerve to spit a verse at me": Because no one gives a crap about your mediocre Florida State rap except to mock it, person with 268 Twitter followers?
12. "And adversity brings out the worst in me": You fold like Florida State?
13. "But now everybody's heard of me": Empirically untrue.
14. "So I guess the purpose of the anthem worked perfectly": The purpose worked? No, the anthem "worked," so maybe "I guess producin' the anthem performed its purpose perfectly," but the hell do I know about rap? I don't read The Source a lot.
15. "I reside in North Florida, 40 minutes from the Georgia border / I wrote a chorus, made a video, now there's a warrant out for me, no court order": ...what? Is the point of that couplet that you live in Tallahassee and you're a criminal? You sure you don't play for Florida State?
16. "But you can find me in the fourth quarter, on the scoreboard": Florida State was 12th nationally in fourth quarter points in 2011, so I guess this is actually a decent brag, WHICH IS A BAD THING BECAUSE I HATE IT.
17. "I spit a 4.4 on the track wit' a sore aortum": I don't think the aortum is actually a thing. The aorta, is, of course, the largest artery in the body.
18. "Now what you rookies wanna beef up wit' us more for?" You remember when Bane said "But not a single person from any university / In the universe or the Earth had the nerve to spit a verse at me" in the last verse? Now there are "rookies" "beefing up wit' us," I guess.
19. "No, I don't promote extortion (Nah)": Important clarifications!
20. "But I did make a rap track for my school to get a little support, son": Okay, wait, were you going to extort FSU with your horrific rap? Did you think you could embarrass them into giving you money? Do you know what extortion is?
21. "I'm a Seminole, whether or not on GameDay Herbstreit and Corso endorse them": It's good to know your allegiance to your team is not dependent on ESPN analysts picking them to win games, because if it were dependent on that, you would be a pathetic soul indeed.
22. "When they saw that I could flow / They were more concerned wit' the color of my skin than the color of my clothes": Wow, racial dynamics in rap prioritize race instead of clothing color? Do go on with this fascinating line of sociological thought.
23. "The college I attend is the college they oppose, so, they prolly won't feel it, bro": You attend college?
24. "I started spittin' wit' the verbal velocity / Got a lot of people watchin' me, callin' me unorthodox": Who, exactly, was calling you unorthodox? Spitting fast is pretty traditional in rap. Actually...
25. About 89% of your flow, accent, and delivery is cribbed from Yelawolf, sir, down to the Holla Acha Boy t-shirt. The difference is that I enjoy the music of Yelawolf.
26. "Got the sportswriters mockin' me / Everybody thinkin' that they're rap experts 'cause they read The Source a lot": 1) While the idea of Mike Bianchi reading The Source is amusing, neither he nor anyone else in sports writing reads it a lot, I'll bet, because 2) it's 2012, and no one reads The Source a lot.
27. The next bars are Bane trying to show off, but he's really rapping too fast for it to matter. Here is what YouTube's interactive transcript for that segment is: "That lovable / What about that but I will fight / The neighborhood / Companies." That's probably not right, but I'm going with it.
28. "'Cause they'd rather make records about endorsements and all the Bentleys and Porsches they got?": That is a lucrative style of rap, yes, and also some of them actually have those things.
29. OH GOD HERE COMES THE A CAPPELLA.
30. "They jam my track every weekend at the stadium, fancy that!": This line just won a Grammy in 1992.
31. "Gallop gallantly through any malice-driven fallacy": Congrats, you just earned the highest SAT Critical Reading score ever for a Florida State student!
32. "Never been in it for the money, no salary": This is a thing that is said by broke rappers.
33. "All these Shallow Hal rappers actin' like they albums deep": When your best insult is a reference to a 2001 Farrelly Brothers comedy, just give up.
34. "Instead, stand up valiantly / And live your life to the fullest, with the winner's mentality / Unconquered": OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN you just walked into the best "FSU fan brags about FSU" trap! Those "Unconquered" uniforms do look sweet, as this sentence-challenge 'Noles fan notes, but Florida State's first time in them was a 24-19 loss to Boston College in 2006, its second time in them was a 51-24 win over Duke in 2007 (...which was later vacated), and its third and final time in them was a 27-17 loss to Boston College in 2008. They're not so much "Unconquered" as "Conquered Repeatedly And By Boston Friggin' College," and FSU's officially 0-3 in them, but go ahead and brag about a marketing department check your football team couldn't cash.
35. Oh, also, wearing "Unconquered" uniforms as the Seminoles is kinda rubbing it in the Seminole Tribe's face that they were, essentially, conquered, but that's par for the course.
36. Also, no one in your video can dance.
Is there another awful thing about "Still Choppin" besides "All of it"? Let us know in the comments.