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Florida Gators coaching search: The long list of the best worst candidates

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Want a list of absolutely terrible candidates for the Florida job? Here's one!

Winslow Townson-USA TODAY Sports

Will Muschamp isn't fired yet. All indications are that, unless the Gators win out, he's going to get fired. This is all a longer-than-necessary way of saying Will Muschamp is very, very fired.

So let's talk about replacements. We all know Jeremy Foley has a short list, but nobody can know who's on it.

The following is a long list. The only criterion is that the candidate must be an improvement on what we have in Muschamp.

1. Terry Bowden

This man has head coaching experience in the SEC and a strong coaching pedigree to boot. He won 20 games in a row with a probation-hampered Auburn program. And after a long TV career, he's currently languishing at Akron, maybe because of an extramarital affair with the most influential Auburn booster's daughter that everyone strenuously denies ... while not really giving a more satisfying reason for Bowden abruptly leaving a program where he'd won 72 percent of his games in the middle of a season.

And speaking of extramarital...

2. Bobby Petrino

Here's another guy with a record of success coaching in the SEC. Well, at least it's a record of mediocrity. Quick, confident decision-making, as proven by his propensity for accepting job offers, proves he's better suited for a big-time job than Muschamp. Could surely be hired mid-season to get a jump on 2015 recruiting!

3. Charlie Weis

Former Gator coordinator widely hailed as enormous, and a great offensive slob mind. Could save big on salary, as Notre Dame is probably still paying him, and Kansas will be, too.

4. Tommy Bowden

Never finished worse than 6-6!

5. Bobby Bowden

Strong recruiting ties in Florida. He's 84 years young and would still be coaching FSU to 7-6 seasons if they'd let him. Tell me you wouldn't kill to be 6-6 with a Gator Bowl win right now.

6. Jeff Bowden

If you're looking for a great offensive mind, look no further!  Would also still be coaching FSU to 7-6 seasons if they'd only let him. Tell me you wouldn't kill to be 6-6 and see the Gators play in beautiful San Francisco! And on a baseball field!

7. That other Bowden

You know, the one who stole Bobby's money? He stole less than Muschamp is stealing from the UAA right now, I'd wager.

8. Mike Price

SEC coaching experience*! Strong recruiting ties in the Panhandle**!

9. Houston Nutt

Fiery personality, which is a thing we like about Muschamp. Known for meddling with the offense, which is a thing we don't like about Muschamp, but Nutt never went 4-8***.

10. Kerwin Bell

I'm hesitant to put him on this list, because I am sure there are some who think he should seriously be considered. He should not be.

11. Lane Kiffin

Offensive guy — in more ways than one! His wife was a UF cheerleader and he obviously hates Tennessee and Urban Meyer, so he would fit right in. Plus, he never lost to Georgia!

12. Steve Addazio

We thought his offense was inept. We're sorry, Daz. We didn't know any better.

13. Ron Zook

We thought he was in over his head. We're sorry, Zooker. We didn't know any better.

14. Larry Coker

Won a national championship with another guy's players! It could happen again!

15. Derek Dooley

He already has the pants. Just wash them with something black and maybe that'll darken them up a bit. Never went 4-8! (He was fired at 4-7, and his Vols finished up 5-7 without him.)

16. RonP

A Prince needs no introduction.

Foley ran through his whole list in about a day before settling on Ron Zook back in 2002, so we may need more candidates than this. Feel free to build upon this collection of thoroughbreds in the comments.

*Kinda.

**You know what I mean.

***At Arkansas, but he did go 4-7 and totally went 4-8 AND 2-10 at Ole Miss. Then again, I had forgotten Ole Miss even happened to him.