Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston was cited for misdemeanor theft of crab legs from Publix on Tuesday, Tomahawk Nation's Bud Elliott reports. The prospect of this
arrest citation was first noted by erstwhile Alligator Army author @JortsTorture.
This obviously begs an important question for Florida fans: How should we respond to Florida State's Heisman-winning golden boy quarterback shoplifting crab legs from Publix?
WITH AS MANY JOKES AND PHOTOSHOPS AND TWEETS AND SARCASTIC NOTES ABOUT HIS DECISION-MAKING AS WE CAN, DUH.
FREE SEAFOOD UNIVERSITY!!!!!!!!!!!— Polluticorn ($loth) (@WoodyVirgin) April 30, 2014
Jameis Winston steals crab legs from Publix during a week when chicken tender subs are on sale? GOTTA QUESTION THAT DECISION-MAKING.— Alligator Army (@AlligatorArmy) April 30, 2014
Florida Commissioner of Agriculture and University of Florida grad Adam Putnam:
Everyone loves #FreshFromFlorida crab legs.— Adam Putnam (@adamputnam) April 30, 2014
[Jameis Winston walks out of police station] [crowd of reporters await] [puts on Beats] ♫ Under the sea / under the sea ... ♫— Al W. Koala (@Allawallakoala) April 30, 2014
There will never be a funnier crime involving Florida State or Jameis Winston. The only victim in this situation, fortunately, is a multibillion-dollar corporation (that maybe uses slave labor) that would have lost like $7.99 on a pound of snow crab clusters had Winston gotten away with it. Shoplifting something from a supermarket in 2014 is incredibly dumb; you're probably not getting away with it, especially not with even a modicum of fame.
And Winston's own words about needing to get better, in the wake of the sexual assault investigation that ultimately resulted in him not being charged with a crime, are now hilariously hypocritical.
No, this isn't an excuse to make jokes that make Winston's alleged sexual assault a punchline. There is no excuse for that, and I'm going to be just as heavy-handed about that today as I would any other day.
But this is a stupid, juvenile crime. It is funny. We are most certainly allowed to make fun of Jameis Winston for this.
Laugh long. Laugh hard. Go Gators.