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Week 5 afternoon open thread: How would Florida play today?

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Ever wonder how Florida might play on its bye week? So did I!

Kevin C. Cox

Since we don't get the pleasure of watching the next chapter of Florida Football: The Will Muschamp Saga unfold this week due to the Bye Week, we've decided take matters into our own hands. Instead of breaking down what Florida's weekly opponent is, we've decided to break down any possible matchup from each team in the Power Six Five conferences. Each game is set at a neutral site and is judged as if it were being played this week. Let's see how Florida matches up against the rest of field!

American Athletic

You're not the Big East, you phony!

ACC

vs. Boston College

Line: Boston College by 3

WHY THREE? BECAUSE TYLER MURPHY WORE NO. 3 AT FLORIDA, NOW HE'S HERE BEATIN' TROJANS N' STUFF.

vs. Clemson

Line: Florida by 2.5

Even all the Will Muschamp in the world can't stop Clemson from Clemsoning.

vs. Duke

Line: Push

In 2007, Steve Spurrier gave Duke the 25th spot in his Coaches Poll ranking WHILE DUKE WAS ON A 20-GAME LOSING STREAK. Spurrier can't choose, and neither can I.

vs. Florida State

Line (with Jameis): FSU by 305

Line (without Jameis): FSU by 8.5

"Sufferin' succotash, they're mon-STARS."

vs. Georgia Tech

Line: Georgia Tech by 4

The triple option worked before.

vs. Louisville

Line (if in the Superdome): Louisville by 13

Line (if played literally anywhere else): Florida by 6

No Charlie Strong. No Teddy Bridgewater. No New Orleans voodoo curse. Although ... would you rather have a UF win, or beignets? Sorry, y'all.

/orders 300 beignets

/dies at Cafe du Monde

vs. Miami

Line: Miami by 2

Miami freshman quarterback Brad Kaaya has two cool nicknames: Trinidad Brad and Good Kid B.r.a.D. City. Jeff Driskel can't compete with that.

vs. North Carolina

Line: Florida by 2.5

I could not name you one player on UNC's roster, and that line is there just to put more pressure on Florida's kickers.

vs. North Carolina State

Line: N.C. State by 8

Russell Wilson once put on an N.C. State uniform and played the game of football representing that school. BUT so did Mike Glennon...

vs. Pittsburgh

Line: Florida by 24.5

Pitt lost to Iowa... At home.... They deserve relegation from FBS football. I HAVE SPOKEN.

(Georgia Southern is better than Iowa.)

vs. Syracuse

Line: Syracuse by 6.5

Miraculously, the NCAA finds Greg Paulus one more game of athletic eligibility and the rest, they say, is... GOOD LORD, THAT MASCOT IS TERRIFYING. I'M NEVER DRINKING ORANGE JUICE AGAIN.

vs. Virginia

Line: Florida by 11

Fun fact: The University of Virginia was founded in 1819 by Thomas Jefferson himself. And they probably haven't beaten an SEC team since 1819 either, HEY-OHHHHHHHHH. (But, really, not even LeBron could save these Cavs.)

vs. Virginia Tech

Line: Virginia Tech by 5.5

They beat Ohio State in The Shoe. "Yeah but they lost to ECU and GT." WELL, SO WOULD FLORIDA, WE'LL GET THERE.

vs. Wake Forest

Line: Wake Forrest by 128

Screen_shot_2014-09-26_at_10.09.39_pm

Big 12

vs. Baylor

Line: Baylor by 44.5

This game would be much closer if Florida was allowed to play offense. But team rules are team rules.

vs. Iowa State

Line: Iowa State by 6

In the month of September, Cyclones quarterback Sam B. Richardson has a 137.7 quarterback rating over his career. That's just bad luck, Gators.

vs. Kansas

Line: Florida by 17

Charlie Weis signed a three-year contract to be Florida's offensive coordinator back in 2011 and I'm pretty sure Florida's still paying him for that contract. I can't in all good conscience believe Florida would ever pay someone to.... beat........ them.............

Oh.

vs. Kansas State

Line: Kansas State by 8.5

K-State took Auburn to the brink last week. The only brink Florida would take Auburn to is the re-release of the Disney Channel Original Movie Brink, at select dollar movie theaters where you have to fear for your life entering and exiting the premises due to the surrounding neighborhood. Like, the theaters where the road leading to the building hasn't been resurfaced, ever? Those.

vs. Oklahoma

Line: Oklahoma by 18

Trevor Knight already has over 1,000 yards passing this season. I can't even count that high.

vs. Oklahoma State

Line: OSU by 16

The Pokes almost pulled out the open win versus FSU and just out-dueled Kliff Kingsbury this past Thursday. And as far as I know, Mike Gundy is still a male and is still over the age of 40.

vs. TCU

Line: TCU by 3

Did you know both George W. Bush and Harrison Ford attended Texas Christian at the same time? Probably not. That didn't happen.

vs. Texas

Line: Push

"After the game, much like star athletes exchange jerseys out of respect for one another, Jeremy Foley and Steve Paterson exchanged head coaches. Both programs continued to be bad."

vs. Texas Tech

Line: Texas Tech by 38.5

Sorry, I wasn't watching the game. ESPN installed a new KliffyCam, and I now understand why people prefer to watch the games from home. #YesAllWomen

vs. West Virginia

Line: WVU by 14.5

A guy named Clint Trickett almost gave Nick Saban his first opening-game loss since what I assume goes all the way back to when he was a serpent in the Garden of Eden.

(I blame Tim Davis.)

Big Ten

vs. Illinois

Line: Illinois by 9.5

See, this is difficult: I'm trying to match up complete lack of roster talent against Florida's uncanny ability to underproduce. Illinois had Dee Brown. They win this time.

vs. Indiana

Line Florida by 7

I need Florida to win this just so we can all say "Hoosier Daddy?" to the one Indiana fan we know. PLEASE, FLORIDA, WE NEED THIS.

vs. Iowa

Line: Florida by 17

The Iowa Hawkeyes are the Tampa Bay Buccaneers of college football.

vs. Maryland

Line: Maryland by 10

If Driskel thought a normal defense was confusing to read, try a weird defense with weird jerseys. Oh, and with seafood poisoning.

vs. Michigan

Line: Push

Loser fires their head coach on the spot. Winner fires their head coach on the spot right after that.

vs. Michigan State

Line: Florida by 6

Michigan State beat Eastern Michigan 73-14. Florida beat Eastern Michigan 65-0. Advantage: Florida.

vs. Minnesota

Line: Minnesota by 4

Four, as in, number of stories there are in the Mall of America. HAVE YOU BEEN IN THAT MALL?! IT HAS A ROLLER COASTER. IT HAS A FREAKIN' ROLLER COASTER. "LET'S GO TO THE MALL. ... TODAY!" NOW I CAN'T STOP SINGING IT.

SLOW AND PAINFUL, GOLDEN GOPHERS, SLOW AND PAINFUL.

vs. Nebraska

Line: Nebraska by 9

Faux Bo Pelini > any Muschamp troll I've ever seen.

vs. Northwestern

Line: Florida by 13.5

HAHA BRAINS CAN'T SAVE YOU NOW, NERDS! Although, mind over matter, and a football is matter. But the score of a game then becomes nothing more than a representation of the inner workings of the mind's doing. And only the highest forms of thought provoke great actions in its favor.

So I guess Northwestern wins.... wait, how did they do that!?

vs. Ohio State

Line: Florida by 41.14

BOY, THIS COULD BE QUITE THE STRESSFUL GAME, HUH, URB?

vs. Penn State

Line: Florida by 11

#WEARE still delusional!

vs. Purdue

Line: Florida by 24

The nickname "Boilermakers" dates back to 1891, when the Purdue football team defeated nearby rival Wabash College 44–0. An account of the game in the Crawfordsville Daily Argus News of October 26, 1891 was headlined, "Slaughter of Innocents: Wabash Snowed Completely Under by the Burly Boiler Makers from Purdue."

(This is actually true.)

vs. Rutgers

Line: Florida by Firing Squad

Somehow, Rutgers University has managed to employ Mike Rice, Greg Schiano and Julie Hermann. I'm not even mad, that's amazing.

vs. Wisconsin

Line: Wisconsin by 9.4

9.4, as in the average number of yards Melvin Gordon runs for every time he touches the ball.

Every. Time.

Pac-12

vs. Arizona

Line: Florida by 3

'Zona QB Anu Solomon was born in Las Vegas. After further investigation, the NCAA has determined "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas" also applies to athletes born within city limits. Unfortunately, since the official signing of Solomon's scholarship was made in his home WITHIN Vegas city limits, he is hearby ruled ineligible effective immediately.

Tough break, Wildcats.

vs. Arizona State

Line: Florida by 12.5

Arizona State's logo is a trident. Where are we, Neptune? What is this, Blitzball?

vs. California

Line: Cal by 2.5

Cal lost on a last-second touchdown pass to Arizona this past week. That's tough to overcome. But Florida's still trotting out the same defense that blew 30 tackles last week. That's tougher to overcome. Point: Cal.

vs. Colorado

Line: Buffs by 18

One time in NCAA Football's Road to Glory, I created Peyton Manning's adopted black son Vernon Manning, and he went to Colorado and won the Heisman four years in a row. That story begins today.

vs. Oregon

Line: Oregon by 48

Swag.

vs. Oregon State

Line: Florida by 5.5

Everyone thinks Sean Mannion's so cool because he's big and tall. Being big and tall's not that cool. Bet he can't fit in a Prius. Yeah. SCREW YOU, TALL BOY.

vs. Stanford

Line: Stanford by 10

Will Muschamp will be too busy hearteyes.emoji-ing at Stanford's tree trunk-led, massive-man pro-style offense to even call defensive plays. Might help, though!

vs. UCLA

Line: UCLA by 23.5

UCLA QB Brett Hundley is making a case for himself as an early Heisman favorite. But Florida RB Kelvin Taylor actually leads all of college football in the "Instagram posts about you being a dark horse for the Heisman trophy" category, and we all know which one gets more girls.

vs. USC

Line: Push

In the Josh Shaw Bowl, the only outcome is USC realizing they should've kept Ed Orgeron and Florida realizing they should hire Ed Orgeron.

vs. Utah

Line: Utah by 5

Utah recovered from their Urban Meyer departure with more grace than Florida did ... er, wait, did is past tense. And for that, we will forever be inferior. Thanks (?) for Bernie.

vs. Washington

Line: ???

?????

vs. Washington State

Line: WSU by 3

Washington State is No. 1 in the nation WITH ALMOST 500 PASSING YARDS PER GAME and ALMoST DEAD LAST AT No. 126 IN THE NATION WITH JUST 45 RUSHING YARDS PER GAME. WHAT. HOW. WHAT. (Also, the Cougars' flag is at every single College Gameday. Look for it in the background, you'll find it.)

SEC

vs. Alabama

Line: Worse

OH, GOD, WHY? NOT AGAIN!

vs. Arkansas

Line: Arkansas by 10.5

Florida will need to score more points than Arkansas to come out with a win here.

vs. Auburn

Line: Auburn by 12

"Help us, Harvey Updyke, you're our only hope."

vs. Georgia

(Florida Georgia) Line: Florida by 99,999,999,999

When does the St. Johns River flow north? BECAUSE GEORGIA SUCKS.

vs. Kentucky

Line: Florida by XVIII

This rematch really boils down to adjustments. Florida seemed to get their offense going in the second half, but the defense continued to miss their assignments. I think if Kentucky can continue to capitalize on their offensive chances and really clamp down on Florida's running game, they may be the favorites to... oh, wait, Drake's here. Never mind.

vs. LSU

Line: LSU by 14.5

Les Miles will cover that with 13 fourth-down conversions, and drink at least three grass smoothies.

vs. Mississippi State

Line: MSU by 17

MSU's QB's first name is Dak. There's no overcoming that adversity.

vs. Missouri

Line: Florida by 2

I mean, Missouri did lose to Indiana.

vs. Ole Miss

Line: Ole Miss by 9.5

Hugh Freeze still sounds like an '80s movie villain.

vs. South Carolina

Line: Spurrier by half a hundred

C'mon.

vs. Tennessee

Line: Florida by 10 years in a row

Have you seen what Tennessee's wearing next week? We're gonna make fun of what Tennessee's wearing next week.

vs. Texas A&M

Line: A&M by googol

I'm Kenny Trill, Kenny Trill
And on the field, I throw the ball

vs. Vanderbilt

Line: Why

Would you actually watch Florida play Vanderbilt?